The Zodiac Killer

I look around, and it seems strange to me that people are still going about their normal business.  Others seem nonplussed about the news, but surely, like me, they must be reeling on the inside.  Yes, it was weeks ago, but my shattered life is still in pieces and I’m trying to hold my shit together as best I can since I heard the devastating news: I am no longer an Aquarius.

Since I was a kid, I have read horoscopes. Starting in about the third grade, I hung on each word that said how my year was going to be better than the last, that I would excel in my career and that I would finally find true love. In third grade. I listened fervently as my nutty aunt went on and on about how Aquarians are all the same – creative, outgoing, and always in trouble.  I not only listened, I patterned my life around it.  I once even used it as an excuse for being late to an English class.

This recent madness about a change in the zodiac apparently started when a NASA article for children, “Constellations and the Calendar” ( , suggested that the Babylonians “skipped” a constellation and made due with 12 zodiac signs, when in actuality, there should be 13.  NASA didn’t exactly make any scientific changes to astrological signs. Why would they, when astrology isn’t exactly scientific, just outdated theory propagated by crazy aunts and people named Stardaisy?

But for the purposes of this post, let’s not get scientific.  Let’s not concern ourselves with pesky facts.   Why would I base this article on factual, scientific information? I’m creative, outgoing, and always in trouble. Or am I?

According to several probably unreliable Internet sources, I am now a Capricorn.  A CAPRICORN.  “Responsible. Well-controlled. Self-Disciplined. Good Manager”, according to   It’s like they don’t know me at all.

Now that I’m finding that my entire life was based upon a lie, I simply don’t know whom to trust. ” The strong beliefs you have been nurturing lately will help you manifest whatever you want to, but only if you don’t let negative people drain you out of energy you woke up with,” says my Aquarius horoscope for today.  “Use your talents to recharge your batteries and express your deepest potential today. You don’t need anyone else’s help to move ahead if you only listen to your inner senses and moral imperatives,” says my Capricorn horoscope.

Wait. One. Minute. These aren’t conflicting. They both sound like  vague reminders to keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. (Thanks, Casey Kasem, wherever in the universe you may be.) Interesting. Are they all like this? Could it be that all people could benefit from a universal message to be positive and listen to your best judgement? Shocking.

Perhaps I am a bit Capricorny.  I wear my seatbelt. I brush and floss. Yet I’m still Aquariusy in that wacky, creative, spent my lunch break writing an article on astrology kind of way. Maybe I’m both.  Maybe I’m Capriquarius. Perhaps that’s a lesson I’ve needed to learn my whole life – that frankly, if it’s all bullshit,  I can be whatever I want. These human constructs of identity – these horoscopes we read, these boxes we check, these things we were told we are by others – they all exist not to define us, but to divide us. Why are we willing to be assigned a personality, a political party, a religion, a race, a gender? If the Babylonians were wrong about the zodiac signs, what else have we been wrong about in our categorization of people?  Are we so afraid of disorder that we want everything and everyone to be tidily assigned a label, or are we so clueless about what our own souls are that we are begging for someone, anyone, to tell us who we are?

Today’s horoscope,  for whomever you are, and for whatever I am, is this: Today you will open your eyes to who you really are.  You will see a complex person made up of your desires, your true nature, your history, and your common sense.  You’ll realize that you are filled with some good stuff, some bad stuff, and mostly in-between stuff.  You’ll have a great day if you don’t stress about the small issues and you do something nice for someone else and maybe even yourself.  You probably won’t hit the lottery, but you also probably won’t get hit by a bus. Oh, and don’t eat the pizza from last Thursday night. The stars say it’s bad by now.



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One thought on “The Zodiac Killer

  1. Okay, I know this isn’t *exactly* the same problem, but I recently checked into Pottermore for the first time and was sorted into Slytherin and was upset for days. It’s not the same as the stars being all out of order, but it was a blow to my IDENTITY. Who am I, even? WHO?

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