Oh, Christmas TV… Oh, Christmas TV

It is so That Time of the Year again.

People say the phrase, “That time…”, when avoiding saying something that causes others to cringe. “That time of the month” is certainly nothing to celebrate. Thank God we don’t have trees or Josh Groban songs for that. “It’s that time again” conjures up visions of my childhood doctor with a syringe or my accountant with a 1040.

But it’s that Christmastime again, in all it’s splendid Hollywood glory. I read recently that the Hallmark Channel has officially run out of names for Christmas movies and is now going with The Christmas Movie About A Poor Woman Who Brings Cheer and Saves A Town. No. No, I didn’t read that.

I actually do love Christmas movies. I have several on rotation, including White Christmas/Holiday Inn, Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Elf, and TNT’s version of A Christmas Carol, with Patrick Stewart as the greatest Scrooge ever. I would actually like to watch a good Christmas movie tonight, but I’m not sure if it’s okay with Kim Jong Un.

So, it’s that time again. Time for a Top Ten.

Top 10 Rejected Holiday TV Specials

10. Randi the Red Nosed Kardashian: heartwarming animated story of the forgotten Kardashian sister (whose father may or may not be Burl Ives), humiliated and shunned because of a botched rhinoplasty.

9. It’s Not a Very Wonderful Life: a wealthy Republican congressman decides, after careful consideration, that people really would have been better off if he hadn’t been born.

8. Charlie Brown’s Christmas Reunion : The Peanuts gang reunites, but this time Linus struggles with erectile dysfunction, the Little Red-Haired Girl is now the Little Blue-Haired Woman, and Charlie Brown breaks his hip when Lucy pulls the football out from under him. Again.

7. I’m Dreaming Of A Blight Christmas: from the hipsters who brought you Coffee House radio and black rimmed glasses, enjoy an hour of acoustic songs in dirty alleyways from skinny guys with beards who aren’t homeless but would be without student loans and their mom’s American Express.

6. Home for the Holidays with Gwyneth Paltrow: watch as the actress turned lifestyle guru serves her Kale Hemp Dip to herself.

5. Glory To A Newborn King: Leann Rimes stars as Mary Jo, a young Tennessee girl visited by a sequined angel, who informs her that she is carrying the spirit of Elvis in her virgin womb.

4. Holiday Inn San Francisco: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire reprise their roles as happy hoteliers, but this time they are legally married. It’s a White Christmas alright, with a beautiful brocade overlay and a touch of beading that looks fabulous as a window treatment. (Editor’s Note: I would totally watch this.)

3. Frosty the Snow Killer: Teen thriller in which children place an evil hat atop their snowman. Frosty comes to life, and grows larger as he eats carolers and passersby.

2. NASCAR’s Rockin’ Eve: the late Dick Clark is replaced by NASCAR’s Tony Stewart in this downhome countdown to 2015. Sponsored by Budweiser, Goodyear, and Axe Body Spray, special events include a turkey leg eating contest and a Hooters Girls spelling bee.

1. The Christmas Shoes II: The sad little boy returns the Christmas Shoes to the store, where he is told his money could not be refunded once the shoes had actually been on a deceased person. As he leaves the store, his dog is hit by a bus, a hobo steals his last dime, and he is brutally attacked by gang members.

Ah, all rejected. Never fear, my holiday loving friends. There’s still Lifetime.

Photo source: grandparents.com

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