Let it be known that I could never be a Jehovah’s Witness. My affinity for celebrating holidays is well known, and often a source of stress for my husband, Gregg. I like most holidays, even the ones “created as marketing gimmicks by greeting card companies,” per Gregg. Never fear, Hallmark, I got your back. You are safe for another fiscal year.

I would say I like all holidays, but I do not like April Fool’s Day. What sadistic sonofabitch decided that today, the first day of April, a lovely spring day by all other standards, would be the perfect day to humiliate others with devious shenanigans? The History Channel website attributes the traditional pranking to “English pranksters” in 1700. And I completely believe that, as how could a cable network that brings us such intellectual programming as Swamp People and Pawn Stars possibly be wrong?

It seems that for centuries, causing people to feel stupid on April 1 by getting them to believe outrageous lies has been funny. Circuit Court judges don’t think it’s funny. Ex-wives don’t think it’s funny. It’s also somehow ok to cause people grief and physical pain on April 1. Cops don’t think it’s funny. Cell mates don’t think it’s funny. Just a heads up.

Why is it that on any other day, when some jerk puts vinegar in your coffee and tells you a lie, like your wife is sleeping with your boss, he would be called an asshole and probably get punched in the neck; but on April 1, he says “April Fools!” and we’re supposed to laugh and congratulate him on his supreme trickery? Sorry. Not in my book. Still an asshole.

My distaste of this crappy holiday did not, however, stop me from making a top ten list in its honor.

Top 10 Poorly Thought-Out April Fool’s Pranks

10. Holding a cat hand-puppet over the fence to taunt the neighbor’s German Shepherd.

9. Placing slices of stinky cheese on the furnace filter.

8. Sending a suggestive card and lingerie to your wife’s best friend.

7. Teaching your dog to sniff the crotches of passersby.

6. Fart-spraying the vacuum cleaner bag.

5. Calling the police to say your teenage son is a possible meth dealer.

4. Blacking out your two front teeth with a permanent marker.

3. Letting loose 5 ferrell cats in your boss’ office.

2. Church Pew Streaking.

1. Hot sauce in the wife’s bottle of Summer’s Eve.

I think April 2 should be Revenge Day, when the poor unsuspecting victims of April Fools Day pranks can freely and openly bitch slap the perpetrators without repercussion or judgement. Now for that I’d buy a card.

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